When Spouses Don’t See Eye To Eye

Estate planning can be one of the most difficult things that couples do together. Just discussing the topic of death can be daunting, but when spouses disagree as to how their estate plan should work, the task can seem nearly impossible. However, having a plan—even if it’s one that involved compromise with your partner—is almost certainly preferable to having no plan at all.

Estate planning can be one of the most difficult things that couples do together. Just discussing the topic of death can be daunting, but when spouses disagree as to how their estate plan should work, the task can seem nearly impossible.

Disagreements about estate planning can range from whether or not to prepare one to who should be in charge of distributing assets after your death to how to divide the assets among your beneficiaries.  Each family is unique and addressing disagreements and finding a way past them will be different for each couple. However, having a plan—even if it’s one that involved compromise with your partner—is almost certainly preferable to having no plan at all.

So, what should a couple do if they just cannot see eye to eye as to how their estate plan should work? Below, we offer some ideas that can help couples find common ground and prepare an estate plan that everyone can feel good about.

What Happens If You Avoid Estate Planning

Both you and your spouse should understand what happens if you do not create an estate plan at all.  If you both pass away, your assets will be distributed according to state law. Essentially, each state has laws specifying who will receive assets if someone has not created an estate plan. While relying on state law may mean that your assets would end up with the people you are closest to (often spouse and children), if there is a conflict between you and your partner, that may not be in line with your wishes. And, problematically, allowing your assets to pass via that state law could result in significant issues if you have minor children or an adult child that may not be able to manage any inheritance effectively.

If you have minor children and have not nominated a guardian via your estate plan, a judge will ultimately appoint a guardian to care for your children if one is needed. While it may be challenging to agree with your spouse as to who would serve as a guardian for your children, working with your spouse to carefully choose a guardian is typically preferable to having a judge—who does not know you, your family, or your children—choose a guardian after you’re gone.

If you and your partner do not create an estate plan together (and assuming you have joint finances), ultimately, the survivor, if they choose to, will have all the say as to what happens to your assets. Even where disagreements exist between spouses, most people do not want to completely disregard their spouse’s wishes. It is almost always best to have a plan in place, even if, as discussed below, it required some compromise from both of you.

Start with a Conversation

If you and your spouse just tell each other your desired result—how you think the plan should work—you have no room to figure out each other’s motivations and the root of any concerns. You both must be open to having a complete discussion about the “why” behind their thinking. Often, having a good discussion about the “why” behind particular opinions can open up some room for both of you to think about how to achieve everyone’s goals while addressing everyone’s concerns. But, for example, if you only talk about who you want to serve as Trustee, and your spouse only talks about the (different person) he or she wants to serve as Trustee, finding common ground can be difficult. Instead, if you both brainstorm the qualities that you want in a Trustee (and those qualities you are looking to avoid), you may come up with the perfect candidate—or at least one you can both accept.  As is the case with any relationship, trying to understand your partner’s perspective, concerns, and wishes can go a long way in the two of you finding some common ground.

Be Prepared To Compromise

Be prepared to give and take when it comes to your estate plan. Ultimately, your estate plan may not be exactly what you had envisioned, but if you and your spouse can both live with the compromise, having a plan is better than not having one. If neither of you are willing to meet somewhere in the middle, or accept any answer other than your answer, you are unlikely to get anywhere.  If you’re both willing to accept that your answer may not be the only “correct” answer, you will be one step closer to having your estate plan in place.

Seek Help From Others

Do not be afraid to seek advice, counsel, or thoughts from others. Those “others” could include family, friends, or professionals. An external voice may be able to provide a perspective that neither of you considered and can help greatly in finding common ground.

While all families are certainly different and each comes with its own personalities, having the benefit of someone who has worked with hundreds or thousands of families can often see potential solutions that may not have occurred to the couple who is struggling.

Additionally, if you can absolutely not agree on how your joint estate plan should work, you may be able to create separate estate plans with the help of an attorney. While this is not the first choice of most couples, creating individual estate plans is preferable to having no plan at all.

Estate planning can be hard and can be much harder when you and your partner do not agree as to how your estate plan should work. But, ignoring the problem and putting off your planning is not the answer. Knowing the consequences of not having a plan, being open to discussion and compromise, and seeking help from others can help you and your spouse confront the problem, tackle it together and come up with a workable solution.